I heard a brilliant lyric the other night that has stuck with me: In the end, at least they’ll say “she tried.”
That’s the thing with parenting a child like Mr. Grouchy Pants. So much of it is sheer sticktoitiveness.
Waking up, every day, and just TRYING. Not necessarily succeeding. Often times failing. But always, always trying.
Quitting is so easy these days. You don’t like something? Quit. Hate your job? Get a new one. Tired of your marriage? Get a divorce. Sick of your facebook friends? Hide them. But parenting is one of those things that you just can’t quit. No matter how hard it is, no matter how badly it hurts, no matter how much you think you stink at the task. No matter how loud he yells or how painful his words. A mother can’t be a quitter.
I’m not gonna lie. I’ve thought about it. Who hasn’t?? When Grouch is in a rage and our world is upside down, I can think of a million places I’d rather be. There are times when I even say those words: I quit. Yep. I’ve said it. And I’ve run out the door and down the street. I’ve jumped in my car and driven out of the driveway. Because sometimes you just need to know you CAN.
And I raise my fist to heaven and ask God WHY and I squeeze my eyes tight hoping I’ll face a new reality when I open them. I shriek from the depths of my gut, a horrible, wailing sound; the cry of a woman in pain, in mourning for all that my life is and all that it was supposed to be.
And then, eventually, I lift my head. I open my eyes. I inhale, and exhale, and inhale again. And that little voice in my head, the one that speaks wisdom, says you can do this. You HAVE to do this. He is yours. You cannot quit him. . . . I never quit YOU.
It’s in these moments
of spiritual revelation that I bask in. Just inhale and exhale and smile, knowing God has heard me. And though most days I have NO IDEA what I’m doing as a mom, He is the perfect parent. He knows my little monsters better than I do, inside and out. Knows their deepest desires and most precious needs. And within all that they are and all that they need out of this life, God gave them ME. . .He chose ME to parent. I will breathe, count to ten one last time, and trust that He knows what He’s doing.
I thank God that He is not a God of “Try”. He is a God of “Success”.