This week we are blessed to have a “sex expert” posting for us on EpicParent.tv. Her name is NOT Dr. Ruth, but rather the one and only Melinda Clark. Melinda is a friend from Steamboat Springs, CO and she is the Executive Director of the Steamboat Springs Crisis Pregnancy Center. She works with kids of all ages and has more life experience than anyone I know on helping kids navigate the sexual issues in their life.
If you’re looking for a speaker who is an expert and is a masterful communicator on this topic, she is a MUST! Email me at chris@epicparent.tv and I’ll connect you with her.
Here’s Melinda!!
Few thoughts strike more terror into the hearts of parents everywhere than “The Talk,” especially since most parents have awkward memories of their own parents bumbling through a vague, uncomfortable “talk” that usually created more questions than it answered.
I work at an agency where we regularly talk with teenagers about their sexual activity and its ramifications. I can tell you that teenagers have questions that aren’t being answered. What do most teens wish their parents would say and do when it comes to sex?
- Your child (any age!) needs constant reassurance about your unconditional love and concern. He needs to know that no matter what he does, you will not turn him away.
- Your child needs to know that sex is a component of a healthy, committed relationship, not a stand-alone event. (More about that coming on Thursday!)
- Ask questions about them, their friendships, their relationships. It’s good and healthy for you to know who they are with and what they are doing. If your daughter feels uncomfortable or pressured in a relationship, she needs a place to tell you about it. If your son is being drawn into risky situations, he needs you to intervene.
- Help them think about healthy boundaries and ways to maintain those boundaries.
- Tell them your values. Being an epic parent means owning the responsibility to prepare our children for life; relationships and sex are no exception.
- Ask about sexual activity in dating relationships. That question is not off-limits.
- Ask whether their choices are what they wanted. If not, help them find out how to make different choices.
Talking to teens about sex is not the beginning. It should be one more stage in an ongoing conversation you have from the time they’re toddlers. The good news is that the more practice you have, the less awkward you’ll feel!
- Up to around age 5, use correct vocabulary for genitals and refer to “private areas.” Remind young children to keep their private areas private–for their own protection.
- In elementary school, answer questions simply and factually, explaining that sex is a way that we can be close and show love to someone that we are committed to. If you’re embarrassed by their question, they’ll probably stop asking. On the other hand, they don’t need more details than necessary.
- By middle school, kids need more information about how male and female bodies function, and they need to understand God’s plan for sex. God designed sex as a good and powerful part of a healthy marriage. Give your children confidence in God’s plan. Explain why waiting until marriage is best. (You’ll have more info to help you with the “why” after the next three posts!)
Does it really matter if our teens are sexually active? What are the risks for sexually active teens? We’ll talk about that tomorrow.
In the meantime, what do you find most difficult about talking with your kids about sex? Is there something you did/said that went exceptionally well? Tell us about it!
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My wife and daughter (at age 10) went through the book, “The Care and Keeping of You” (American Girl). It was really helpful tool to stimulate conversation.
We have younger kids so we’ve been inching our way through talks like this. We feel good at our pace. And our kids pick up on some things, like how the whole conception thing (sort of) works:
http://differentway4kids.blogspot.com/2012/06/genetics-and-birds-and-bees.html
I’ll have to check that one out Joey!! Thanks for the heads up.
So glad to hear you’re actively engaging the conversations, Joey! Taking it slowly with younger children is perfect. It’s massively important for them to know that you’re comfortable with the topic, so that they’re not afraid to bring up the subject with you. Using everyday situations to reinforce your family’s values about relationships is also important at every stage of parenting. THanks for sharing your experience!
Hey Melinda…thanks again for posting!! Love your stuff. You are incredibly gifted my friend.
My wife just had the talk with our 10 1/2 year old daughter. She’s very mature and curious so we wanted to tell her first, and tell her correctly, before hearing from another source. My wife discussed intercourse and oral, since the stats on oral in young girls is very high. It was uncomfortable for both of them I think, but my wife was totally open and honest with her, and explained it within the context of how God intended it. My daughter more than anything, was a bit freaked out by the whole scenario, but she knows now and has an open door to ask question to both of us.
so proud of you guys for stepping into this convo!! This can be tough stuff.
I am a fan of parents who start young! Excellent, brave, wise work on both of your parts.
I was proud of the job we had been doing giving our kids the correct information. Our (my) mistake was not telling our middle boy that this was HIS information and that other parents will tell their kids about it. Thank goodness he only told his best friend across the street whose mom a year later said “Oh by the way, I have been meaning to tell you, great information on the sex talk.” Sigh. Seems our little guy ran over to his best friend right after and said “I have this secret inside and I have to get it out so you have to listen.” and then proceeded to tell everything. Thank goodness for an understanding mom.
HIS info is a great point!!!
Good reminder: your kids will inevitably share what you’ve told them. It goes the other way, too: your kids are hearing what their friends know. Be ready for both!