Today’s post is from a new friend, Maria Furlough.
Last month Maria sent me a copy of her new book, and all I have to say is that it is a LIFE CHANGING, MUST READ for every mom and dad on the planet!! One of the top 5 books I have ever read on parenting.
Read the post and leave a comment to win a free copy of her must have, must read book.
So here’s Maria!!Yup! This is me at 13 years old. Who knew? Who knew that this beautiful, young, innocent 13 year old girl thought she was fat and immeasurably imperfect. I cannot emphasize enough how sad it makes me to look back at this photo and think about how much I hated looking in the mirror. I think about how I overly analyzed every small detail of my body and had a long list of attributes that needed drastic changing. But my sadness is not for the girl you see in this photo and the loss of her innocence…the sadness comes from the realization that every single day young girls everywhere go to war on themselves over the way they think that they look. I so badly don’t want them to be like me.
It seems hopeless. Physical beauty has seemingly won over the hearts of every teenage heart from here to Timbuktu. Insecurity now seems like a rite of passage, something we all just deal with on a daily basis. Call me naive or call me unrealistically optimistic…but I sincerely believe that things are going to change. Something is wrongly broken in our culture if the young lady in this picture, the young lady in your home, your class, or your neighborhood looks at her perfectly made body and thinks one word: fat.
The good news is you no longer need to be a sideliner. Will you join me in taking tiny steps from stopping it from damaging one more innocent young lady?
Step 1 Take a verbal stance against physical beauty obsessions in your home. When I was in college I finally sought out some help for myself. I had hit rock bottom with obsessive dieting and taking diet pills, so I decided to seek counsel and the most valuable thing he said to me had to do with the home environment I lived in. He told to me go home and ask my parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles to stop making comments about my physical appearance…good or bad. Negative comments fed my insecurities and positive comments motivated me to continue with my destructive habits. There is nothing wrong with adoring, admiring, and appreciating the beauty of the women around you, but please remember beauty does not always need to be physical.
Step 2 Give your own mind a break. If you are a Mom challenge yourself to think about how you much you dwell on your own looks. If you are a Dad think about how you talk about Mom or women in general. If you are a brother or a sister, a friend, or a grandparent…where does your confidence lie? Give your own insecurities some time off. I fired mine this past year and everyone in my life is better for it.
Step 3 Decide what you truly believe about beauty. Truth is, people say the right thing all the time…that it doesn’t matter how you look or what size you are or that “true beauty lies within.” But then why are we surrounded by a world obsessed with physical perfection? All we have control over is our own minds and our own homes… in my family we have claimed war against an emphasis on looks. We created a battle plan to kill dead the definition of beauty that is based on size and body composition.
I am so thankful that Chris invited me to spend time with you today and I am even more thankful for the ministry he has on Epic Parent. I would love to hear your stories about the young women in your life. What are some ways you believe we can minister to young women in the area of insecurity and poor body image? I will be giving away 2 signed copies of Your Daughter Needs a Hero! Just leave a comment and we’ll let you know who wins.
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For me, the biggest thing I need to do as a Dad is remind my daughter who she is in Christ.
Yes! HE is the ultimate healer and can do infinitely more than we can ever do on our own.
Joe…thanks for being such an EP fan! I have read this book and have learned so much from Maria’s book. If you don’t win, it’s a must buy!
Thanks for the reminder that “man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at the heart!”
I have a 15 yr old who most times is not concerned about her appearance, she’s fairly comfortable. There are times that you need to constructively discuss dressing appropriately for body types and it needs to be done delicately. Struggle with this all the time. I also have a 6 yr old who is very strong in deciding how she should look/dress. We try to be as positive as possible but there are times when parents need ot say no. There are girls in our church who desperately need their parents to say no but they are either blind to their daughters or too afraid to hurt their feelings.
Thanks for piping in…if I’m honest, I see more “crackers” and “cleavage” at church than I do in most shopping malls. I believe SOME girls dress this way because the apple doesn’t fall to far from the tree. Love that your diving in w/ your girls and leading them through this.
Our daughters are fearfully and wonderfully made, through Christ, in His image! Their beauty is immeasurable and their hearts full of joy! That is our jobs as parents, in addition to the many others, is to show them their self worth is inherent, not because of things or appearances.
love it Lindsey!! I’m giving that exact message from Ps. 139 over the next 3 weeks at campus I am speaking at!!
I made a vow to myself when I learned I was having a daughter that I would never use the word fat around her and never make mention of her physical attributes. She has a strong relationship w/Christ and knows that what’s inside is what really matters although she’s often (naturally)insure. I’m continually sending positive words of affirmation, but needing some outside advice and suggestions to help build her confidence.
Recently I had several girls sleep over for my daughters birthday. I over heard the girls talking and joking about certain areas of there bodies. That being said, I have great concerns about this and how to prepare her for situations like this that could effect her self esteam and confidence.
Tracey my hearts welled up when I read your words…you are doing a great Mom KEEP GOING!! It is so hard, especially to see pain and struggle in the lives of our children. But the fact that you SEE it and are INTENTIONAL about it puts you way ahead of the game. I pray for opportunities for to to interject into your daughter’s life, in God’s perfect time, with His perfect way. He will give you what you need. Most importantly, never give up praying. I am fully convinced that my Mom spent all of my teenage years on her knees. Thank you for sharing Tracey and I will pray for you this day.
Hey Maria…thanks so much for interacting w/ the EP audience today! For those that don’t win the book, we should consider connecting everyone w/ a link to order the book.
I so want a copy!!!!!! It sounds amazing! I work with teenagers and parents and I know a lot of parents who could do with a book like this.
great book Michelle!!
I am a mom of a 9 1/2 year old daughter. We have brought her up shielding trying to shield her from the way the world thinks how females should look and dress. We have always encouraged that being beautiful is determined by our attitudes. She is very negative about every little detail of her body all the way down to thinking her thumbs are fat (all because her piano teacher made a comment about her thumbs one day) My daughter is very healthy and is beautiful. She struggles with insecurity on a daily basis, calling herself fat, and even lately has been telling me she’s not hungry, and does not want to eat. How this breaks my heart. You stated above that sometimes it’s not just the negative comments that can effect their thoughts, but the positive one’s as well. I have never thought about that. This blog has gave me much to think about and I definitely look forward to reading your book!
In Christ I pray that your daughter, in time, will learn to love those thumbs! This may sound like an extreme suggestion, but it is just a thought I had for you (your daughter also might hunt me down for this one)…what do you think about fasting from mirrors in your home for a period of time? My goodness I spent way too much time as a girl EXAMINING and CRITICIZING every single detail of my body in front of full length mirrors. What would it have been like if my parents just took those mirrors away for awhile? Not the face ones…we all need to brush our teeth
But the full length ones…what do you think? It will also give you a great opportunity to talk to her about why they are saying “bye bye” for awhile, not as a punishment but as an example of how much you love her. I love you and your family already! May God give you strength and hope in this very difficult area of raising a daughter!
Thank you for your reply. I had never thought about a “mirror fast” She does constantly examine herself in the full length mirrors. That definitely might be something we try.
Steering away from good or bad comments about physical appearance makes sense. I think one of our summer assignments will be a “beauty” word study. Soooo much cultural pressure for girls, in their peer groups and beyond.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!! You won one of the books!! I am so excited to send you a signed copy. Please email me at maria@trueworthministries.org with an address where I can send it and the names you would like me to sign the book too.
I think societies unrealistic views set young girls up for disappointment.
I am raising four girls, and I fear that my insecurities as a young woman will come through in my parenting them. I fight hard against the lies that society will tell my girls, but I need to arm them with more truth! Thank you for your post, Maria!
Buffy I know exactly how you feel! I have fought hard and continue to fight everyday to truly feel good about myself (not just fake it) for the sole purpose of showing my daughter what a secure woman looks like. We can do it!
I’m excited to read this book…We need more girls to speak about this…
I have an 8-year-old daughter and I know this book would be a valuable tool in getting through the preteen and teen years.
I have a 10yr old & 7yr old. I was amazed when my daughter started Pre-K & comments that some of the little girls made about their bodies at such a young age. It broke my heart that it started so young. I believe this is such an important topic and responsibility to be positive role models not only for our daughters but our sons as well. They are constantly bombarded with body image ideas-media, school, friends, celebrities, TV etc. I have also seen that my insecurities are easily picked up by my children. They are a reflection of us. One evening, my son( he was 6 at the time) said “I need to eat a salad because that’s what mom eats all the time to stay skinny and I don’t want to get fat.” This was a huge eye opener to me that body image is effecting the boys just as much as the girls. I didn’t even say anything that night, but he had been observing my meals. Another teaching opportunity about being healthy and how God sees each one beautiful & handsome just they way you are. God looks inside the heart. What a huge responsibility parenting can be, but the most rewarding job in the world!!
It might sound funny to say, but what a gift your son gave to you that night! He gave you the gift of actually telling you he was watching you…many parents never have that realization. What a great guy your son is! I am so thankful that you are able to see the importance of your role in your children’s lives. God will honor you and bless you in this process because you see how perfect your Heavenly Father is and, as a result, how perfect WE are through HIM.
Chris as you know me and Beck are house parents to now 7 girls and have had almost 30 girls come through our home in 5 yrs, I can tell you this is a REAL problem. Recently I took a little trip to school to observe the life and day of one of my little angels and I challenge all parents to go walk the halls and go to class, lunch ect. You will be glad you did, it will open your eyes to what your girls are facing today. ( I say girls because thats what i have, I’m sure boys have there own probs.) I would like to read this book, Im sure i could learn something….:)
What a great idea! I love it.
Great book Donny! Really gave me some tools in raising my daughter.
I have two daughters. So I believe I really need this.
What a great perspective!
Thank you Maria for sharing! We’re praying that God will shield my nine year old daughter from these assaults on her weight and self-esteem. And that’s what it is now, a full on assault from the media and their peers, and it’ll only be by His grace that we can avoid any major issues with our girls. Thank you again!
Great Stuff. I have honestly found myself already wrestling through this. I have twin 16 month old daughters and I want to make sure they know they are beautiful. I understand beauty is more than the physical. But
To get a young woman to understand that in this world it seems is impossible. And I know by the time
They are old enough to care it will have only gotten worse. Question: do you keep the beauty affirmation of your spouse between yourselves? I still feel as though we do need to affirm that we find them beautiful and
That does include the physical.
Great question Justin! Because you are right, marriage is finally the healthy place for our physical bodies to be adored and appreciated. I can tell you two things 1. My husband and I talk about and are VERY intentional about every single word we use when it comes to our physical bodies. It doesn’t mean we constantly keep our mouths shut, but we run every compliment through the “beauty comes from how God made us not size or shape” filter. 2. We definitely enjoy a good “let’s get dressed up and go on a date and dote on eachother in front of the kids” night every now and again. But I find this very important to note, because I was so tuned into this when I was growing up, there is no verbal adoration of specific body parts in our home
IF you know what I mean.
It’s so hard in today’s socitey to teach our girls and to remind ourselves that we are made in the image of Christ. That means we are PERFECT in his eyes. Girls have enough to deal with without the contant insecurities and struggles of body image and self esteem. I will certainly be reading this book.
Wow! Thanks for sharing this post! My girls are 9 & 5. They both have a good self image at this time, but have started talking about being skinny or fat. We talk a lot about beauty coming from one’s attitude, words, service, etc. We talk about how our value doesn’t come from our looks or what others think or say. Even mom’s & dad’s opinions don’t determine their value-their value comes from their Creator who made them & loves them. They are made in His image & that makes them beautiful. This book will be a great resource as they enter the difficult years ahead.
Jana…I know you do a great job as a mom! But this book will truly give you some tools to continue to grow your daughters in this area. If you don’t win, it’s a must buy.
I can relate to the 13 year old in the picture; had the demons then and still battle them now, 36 years later. Thank you for the reminder of how we perceive ourselves will impact our kids and how they perceive themselves. We intelectually know the truth, and know the right answers, but its hard to carry through emotionally. Truthfully, the only time i ever didn’t feel ‘fat’ was when i was pregnant. lol
Barbara, I want you to know that, although those feelings of insecurity still come up now and again…they ARE defeatable and God CAN and WILL make you new!
Wonderful article – wonderful topic – one that needs more discussions among our groups (church, moms, etc).
One of the points that I really appreciated it the fact that we need to be Intentional about what we do & say – this is so true about many aspects of parenting – it’s also one of the hardest aspects of parenting. If we, as parents, were more intentional about what we said & did (both when are kids were around and even when they weren’t) I think we’d be pleased with what we see mirrored back to us through our children.
Thanks so much for the encouragement – Keep up the good work
Agree totally that it must start with mom’s outlook on beauty. We must remind our girls that God doesn’t make junk! My two daughters are preschool age and we already speak about the beautiful heart God made in them and really downplay external beauty.
Having 2 girls heading into their preteen years looking forward to your book. I’m a mom that struggles with insecurities & definitely don’t want to pass them down to my girls.
I definitely want to read this book! What do you do about extended family who don’t get it and make damaging comments to your girls? How do you de-program them? Insist on changes for the future when your spouse doesn’t want to damage those family relationships? (I understand the concern, but Im concerned about what’s at stake.) Or how to help him understand the seriousness of this issue? Thanks for writing on the subject!
I have SO SO much enjoyed this day. These families, these parents are the reason that I have new hope for this next generation of girls. I truly believe that God is rising up His children that are sick and tired of obsessions with physical appearances stealing the joy away from our families and children. Thank you for partnering with me in this journey and THANK YOU for loving your daughters (and sons) enough to talk about the uncomfortable.
As Chris said I will do the drawing on Wednesday for the free signed copy of Your Daughter Needs a Hero, below are the links where it can be ordered. May God continue to be your strength each and everyday!
http://www.amazon.com/Your-Daughter-Needs-Maria-Furlough/dp/161346794X/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top
http://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=978-1-61346-794-7
I have a 14 year old daughter and it is so hard to find clothes for her that are appropriate and not extremely revealing. As she gets older it is sometimes more difficult to “fit in” because she is modest in what she wears, what she watches on t.v. and what kind of music she listens to. Her body image seems good, but she feels insecure because she is not “like everyone else”. Does this book address this issue at all?
Maria, I have not yet read your book, but I plan on it soon! I am going to feature it on my new blog, because it is an issue I strongly think needs to be addressed. Thanks for writing a book that helps parents to wrestle with a big issue in the world today among children and teens!